I really don't want to do this blog but I think I have to. My divorce became final today. I can put off blogging about just about anything but the title for my blog, "Tracy Takes Over" is all about taking my life back and starting over again so I guess this is about the most important day for me to write.
I had to take a friend with me to the court house, someone to verify that I have lived here for more than 90 days so I had my friend Denise there to support me. I don't know why my electric bill wouldn't work as verification but they wanted a body so they got one. If I were Amy I would have captured everything from the closed courthouse parking lot to the judge with my camera but I'm not, so I didn't.... You will have to settle for words.
We went before the judge at 8:30 am, the whole thing was pretty quick. My lawyer asked me a bunch of questions, the answer to most of which was "yes". Stupid shit, like "Is your name..." and "Are you married to..." I was really scared that I would cry. Not from being emotional about the whole thing really but just because it was an ending and endings are usually sad.... I was afraid that my emotional side would break through and betray me but it didn't. I made it through the actual process just fine and the moment that Denise and Tina (my bloodsucking lawyer) and I walked out of the room I started waiting to feel excited. I'm still waiting.
I thought that I would be excited, or really happy or really sad or SOMETHING....I was just sort of numb but wanting to share the news with others, perhaps to speed the onset of the emotions that I knew were coming. I posted the divorce on facebook from my Blackberry and texted some people to let them know it was over. I got some really encouraging comments and great responses but I remained unmoved, maybe even "plastic" would be a good word, that feels about right. Plastic, may be even wax, cold and solid but able to melt if the conditions are right.
It reminds me of another time in my life when I had a very detached view of my own feelings, back in about 1999 I had a young guy who worked for me, he was 19. He had worked for me at Stage (Ron's company) since he was 16 years old and we were pretty close. I knew his Mom, his family, his hopes and aspirations, almost everything about him. His name was Doug and I really loved him, like he was my own son. He died from an accidental gunshot wound to the neck at a party right before New Years Eve. My grief was almost interesting to me, I watched my way through it as if I were an outsider doing a case study. I could feel, but the observer in me would take over and I would encounter the feelings with thoughts like "well now, that's interesting, feeling that way...." Little things, like having to term him out of the system, making him ineligible for rehire seemed wrong but clearly he would never be rehired....
By the way, I have still not seen my way clear to erase Grandma's phone number from my cell... Seems that I have a little problem letting go.
Anyway, the feelings are similar, loss and sadness that I can't seem to feel, or face. I came home from work just as soon as I could get away, about 1:30pm, put on my PJ's and haven't left the couch since. I am waiting, just waiting. I know that I am waiting for something, but I don't know what it is. I put on my old ring and took a picture of it. It didn't come out very well or I would share it for you, I also took a pic of my new ring, a black metal band with the peace symbol on it, much more my speed than what I had before... and symbolic of the new peace I've found in my life.
It's very hard to feel happy about the dismantling of 18 years of your life, almost 19. If I'm happy, that means that I wasted 19 years of my life on something that was futile and a bad decision. That is almost unbearable, that I threw away my youth, my life on something that was wrong. If I'm sad, then maybe I did something wrong and the divorce was a bad decision and maybe I should have tried harder... Get it? I'm so screwed up that I can't let myself face the reality and see what I really feel..
The moral of the story is this: I know that the storm is coming, it always does. I gave it an opportunity but my timing was wrong. I should stop trying to control my feelings and just let them come and they will, probably in the middle of my next yoga class. For now, I'm here, I'm plastic and I'm waiting.....