Friday, January 30, 2009

Getting started

I don't know if I'll be any good at this but I think I'm ready to give it a try. My fear is that my posts will be eternally boring to everyone but me and that people will groan and roll their eyes. Anyway here goes:

After 18 years of having little or no control over my life I have done the thing I was most afraid of and taken my life back. I don't know what I was so scared of but for some reason, I was terrified of leaving my husband. I used to dream of being on my own, I would long for it, imagine different scenarios where I would be left a widow or have the strength to leave. I did all sorts of things to try to get him to leave me and it seemed clear what I needed to do but it was like being stuck in cement. I couldn't move. I knew that if I could just do it I would be able to look back and say to myself "There, that wasn't so hard now was it? What took so damn long?" But knowing and doing are two different things. My husband and I split up about 5 months ago and I am learning how to be in charge of my life again.

This has been a time full of firsts for me. We all go through this when we first branch out on our own and going through a divorce is similar to that time after high school or college when you begin to realize what all is involved in actually having a life. How to get electricity turned on, how to set up bank accounts and keep up with bills. Things most people do all the time without thinking about it. Being able to make decisions for myself like: what do I want to do on Friday night, or where to go on vacation (if I ever get one), how to decorate my house, even being able to burn candles or incense without getting in trouble. I can live where I want, do what I want and think what I want and talk to or be with my family when I want. This is huge for me, really. Not having that eternal damning eye looking down on me all the time is like 1000 lbs off my back.

It's also pretty scary. What if I make a mistake or miss something? What will happen at the divorce (March 5) What will I do when I have to pay child support? When can I see my girls again? The worry of all these things is with me all the time. I also have nightmares that the "authorities" will make me go back to him because I can't handle life on my own, that they take away my little house and make me move back in with him. I know, it's stupid but who can control their dreams? I'll take the dreams and the worry though, it's much better than what I had before.

I actually want to go home now, it's weird. I always thought I was a career girl, very into my work. I dedicated myself to my jobs and spent 50 or 60 hours or more hours a week at work because I thought I loved it. Turns out, I'm not as into working as I used to think. I love to get off work and just be at home now. My days off are longed for and enjoyed and I hate to be out of town and away from the house, Kyle and the dogs. I love being able to watch what I want on TV and have taken firm ownership of the remote.

Since I was never able to develop any taste or style of my own (maybe I just don't have any) I've borrowed from my Mother because I'm always happy and comfortable at her house. Maybe someday I'll grow some of my own. Perhaps there will be a Chia Pet kit that grows taste available at Walgreens...In the meantime everyone will just have to let me mooch off them a little. Being able to breathe, really breathe has been wonderful and worth all of the uncertainty. So here I am, taking over my own life at the age of 43 and learning how to live all over again. Perhaps you will be interested in joining me for this journey which is sure to involve untold amounts of whining or bitching, some drama and hopefully a bunch of wonderful new adventures, friends and experiences. Who knows? Come long and find out.


  1. Tracy,
    I am SO PROUD of you! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes so immensely happy to be reading your words. You were always a gifted writer and I'm so glad you are finding your way back to it. It's such a wonderfully freeing form of expression. And I'm even more glad to have my sister back. I hope you can read all that my heart is pouring into these simple words when I say 'I missed you'. I missed you so very much, your spunk, your smile, your humor, the goofy silly side, the wonderfully warm heart. You've picked up some other qualities along the way that I admire, your fierce loyalty to the ones you love, your mother bear protectiveness and so very much strength. I really think you are at the begining of the rest of your life. I am thrilled when I think of all the opportunities that await you and I consider it an honor to be invited to watch it all unfold. With all my heart, I love you. Welcome back!

  2. Tracy, I know I am just getting to know you (as I'm still pretty new to the family) and I have learned you are a remarkable, kind, and strong woman. I know for a fact that you will land on top!

  3. Hey Tracy. I started over when I was 45 and I have never looked back. It was one of the most difficult things for me to do and it was the best thing I could have ever done. One of my best friends from high school saw me at my 25th reunion and told me that "life isn't a rehersal. You only do it once, so get it right" I think you are on the right track and we are all with you on this. One thing you have that won't go away is family. We are all behind you, are here for support when we can give it, and always provide love. Amy said it best. Welcome back.

  4. I know I am a little late on this wagon.... but I really enjoyed reading that post. From so far away it's difficult to realize how this is affecting you. Or how really wonderful it is. It's awesome to know how you really feel and what you are thinking, we might never talk about that on the phone. I love you tons and am eternally proud of you for enduring this difficult life change. Welcome to freedom!