Things I Don't Remember

Most of you know already how many members of my family are runners. In my opinion, they're nuts but they seem to love it...My sisters and cousins on both sides push themselves to run for miles and miles, participating in marathons, duathalons and triathlons. I, on the other hand, couldn't run 10 steps to escape from a hired assassin but I do try to get my exercise anyway. I love to work out and while I don't run very much I spend a lot of time at the gym. I've been trying to take advantage of the terrific weather we've had this summer by getting outside and I found a trail that winds around a small lake, through some wooded areas and around a couple of kiddie parks.


Things have really perked up there the last few weeks, birthday parties, football practice, people fishing, biking, walking...and yes, running. The other day, I saw a young dad teaching his daughter how to ride a 2 wheeler. She had a sparkly pink helmet on and her bike had all the fancy accoutrement's from handle bar streamers to a purple flag on the back.. It was classic, he ran behind her, holding onto the back until she got up some speed and then let go, keeping up with her, yelling encouragement and hiding the fact that he was no longer holding on to the back of her seat. She would squeal as she started to wobble and Dad would catch her before she could fall. I walked around that section of the park several times and they were still at it every time I passed them, gradually moving from the grass to the paved path as she gained confidence and skill.


While I was watching them, I felt happy and I thought back to my own six kids, all of whom were with me through the learning-to-ride-a-bike-years. The funny think is, I couldn't remember teaching any of them how to ride a bike...I remember buying them bikes for birthdays and Christmases, picking them out when the kids were little and looking for the requested model when they got older. Now, it could be that I actually didn't teach any of them how to ride a bike, they mostly grew up with me, their father and Momo in constant attendance so maybe I just wasn't the one that did that job, but it got me thinking....I've know for a long time that my memories of my marriage and my children's childhood were incomplete. I began to realize it one day, many years ago at Grandma's house. There was a picture of the cutest baby, about 6 months old on her mantle. I asked who it was and was shocked to discover that it was my own youngest child, Katie. At that moment, I realized that I had taken so few pictures of her during her babyhood that I had no reference point and that I actually didn't remember what she looked like. (Katie, if you're reading this, I'm sorry and you know I love you so very much....)


Over the years, I have realized more and more things that I don't remember, I remember very little about the 18 months that we lived in Omaha, that whole time is sort of a hazy blur. The almost 10 years that I spent in Oklahoma is marked mostly by the different jobs that I had and pictures. I actually thought I had a lot of memories of when my kids were young. I've come to realize lately that those memories aren't real memories of events that happened, like Birthdays, first days of school etc but rather what I am remembering is seeing a picture of that event...


I've been such a picture hound for the last 20 years, looking at pictures over and over again, putting different ones up on the fridge, keeping old pics around forever. I always just thought that I liked pictures but I now know that what I was doing was trying to develop a working knowledge of my own life. I remember the Christmas that Jessie got the Barbie makeup table because there's a picture of her sitting at it in her Barbie night gown. I remember the birthday parties that Grandma and Grandpa came to because there was always a picture of them with the kids.


Not to say that I don't remember anything, I do remember a lot. Most of it is stuff that any sane and normal human being would choose to forget though. I remember everything that was bad and hurtful, I remember when the kids were sick or hurt or when something went terribly wrong. I remember being scared, worried, helpless and powerless. I remember when Kyle had strep that settled in his joints and he couldn't move for days and no doctor could tell us why. I remember when I picked Jessie up by her arm and dislocated her elbow, when she choked on a piece of candy from Santa and when I rolled the car window up on her head...(Sorry baby, you seemed to be accident prone) I remember taking Katie to the doctor because she had no hair and finding out that she had Loose Andogen syndrome (which she has since outgrown).


So why is it that I can only remember the bad stuff, and that I seemed to be in a coma when anything good happened? Even when I look back at videos from then, I seemed to be made from stone. I never smiled or laughed and I could only be touched by worry or fear. Why would any person choose to toss out the good memories and keep the bad ones? I suppose I could spend thousands of dollars on therepy to find out why I am the way I am, maybe I'll even get back some of those memories. For now, it's enough that I'm starting to understand some things about myself and I'm not at all anxious to find out why. That would just bring up too many questions that I don't really want answers for.

For now, I've been thinking back a lot, grasping at small memories and trying to make them grow. I might remember buying a certain dress for one of the girls, so I try to expand that, and remember what it was for, when it was worn and what we did when she was wearing it. I remember taking the kids to see Meemaw in their Halloween costumes every year, so I've been looking for the memories of making those costumes, going trick or treating and carving pumpkins. It's working a little bit, I'm getting some stuff back a little bit at a time and since I spend so much time every day in the car, I have a lot of time to dedicate to the project. I think we all just need to sit down together for a good healthy dose of "Remember that time...." Luckily, I get the kids for Christmas this year so we'll have a chance to do that. Maybe, if I'm lucky I'll be able to get their childhood back.

Spa Day in Arkansas

Well, the girls are gone and life is getting back to normal here, or what has become normal for me. Having them here was everything I expected it would be, wonderful, stressful, expensive, hectic, frustrating, and fun. Most of all, it was a chance for my girls to get to know me, the real me. The person that I used to be before I got married, the person that I am becoming again. It was an experience for all of us, and not always easy but we got through it and I think they're beginning to see their Mother as a real person instead of just the person who yelled at them and did the cooking and laundry... They may not always like it that I have a life of my own and my own agenda but they're getting used to it, I think, and I hope that they can love me anyway.

Jessie and Cameron (her boyfriend from Alaska) were here for five weeks and left on June 26, Katie wasn't quite ready to go home and we extended her ticket and she got to stay for an extra 14 days flying back with Becca who went up to visit her Dad for a while. The extra time with Katie was terrific, very relaxed and fun for both of us. She doesn't have any girlfriends in Alaska, and although she loves it there she really missed her group of friends her in Ark and had lots of fun hanging out with them. She has a wonderful group of friends here, really great girls, and while they have the usual amount of "teen drama" they are really sweet beautiful girls and I love having them hang around the house. Seems I've missed them too.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that while they were here we did a lot of fun stuff. Just hanging out at the pool with some teen aged girls was fun for me, but I am not at all particular so I think it was all fun...We went to a really cool cave, (I might blog about that later), spent time with Momo in Bartlesville, and Dad and Ellen in Tulsa. It got really hot and humid here and they were DYING of heat stroke, especially Cameron who had only been out of Alaska once before but they bucked up and did the yard work for me and sweated it out... One of the more interesting things we did was have a "spa day".

Now in most places that means a massage, facial, maybe a mani-pedi. Perhaps a visit to the hair salon etc.. But we're in Arkansas so going to the spa has a slightly different meaning. We spent a day hanging out with my tattoo and piercing specialist, Burg. Burg hasn't done all of my tattoos but he has done or touched up all of the ink that I have on my body so I would have to say that he is responsible for all of my tattoos. Seeing as how my kids are older now, Kyle is almost 19 and Jess will be 17 at the end of the month, I can give advice and help to keep them safe but they get to make most of their own choices in life at this point. One of Kyles "big decisions" was to get a tattoo. I made him wait until he was 18 to do so and legally able to get one without my permission. I was 21 when I got my first and have now had 8. Kyles dad has a similar amount so It's hard to come up with a convincing reason why he can't get one. I'm not really into piercing but Jess is and her Dad already let her get one on her lip so I couldn't come up with a ason why she couldn't get one more on her ear. Kelly has one in the same spot so who was I to pass judgement? Anyway, I trust Burg and he always does a good job for me so I knew he'd take care of my kids, he even did one for Mom several months ago..


Tattoo Artist Steven Burg. He has the most beautiful long white hair (plus he has a small crush on me so I trust him to take good care of my loved ones...)

Jessie getting ready to have her ear pierced. This was her 17th birthday present from me.

Burg was gentle with her, this piercing requires a very large gauge curved needle...

When put the needle went through her ear she let out a few expletives, but she is such a tough chick, she tends to laugh at pain, sort of like her mother....The cork keeps the business end of the needle covered until the earring can be attached from the other side.

As per Usual, Jessie was back to her normal self seconds after the piercing and now has a purple ring in her ear to match the streak in her hair...

Kyle wanted a fishing hook on his upper left arm. It took some searching to find the right tattoo for him but he did his due diligence and ended up with a design that he was happy with even though it had to be altered some to suit him.

He looked so bored through the whole process...I think he was expecting some pain but it doesn't hurt that much and the place on his arm where it was done doesn't hurt at all. I've had two there and I fell asleep during both of them..

This pic is a little blurry but that's Kyle's new tattoo, and his graduation gift from his mother.

I got a new tattoo as well but I don't have pics of it yet so you will all have to come see me and see it in person. I have sent so much business his way that Burg did mine for free. It's part of a really large piece that I have envisioned as the final product.

So that was our Arkansas "Spa Day". Anyone who can't make it to NYC to have Michael Bellamy do their work can always some here and have Burg take care of them. It was a fun, sort of adult activity that I got to share with my kids. Just a part of our first summer as divorced people....And how you have a Spa day in Arkansas....

Episode #3, Sunday

Yeah, I know, I've put this off for far too long, not because it's hard to write but just because I've been so busy.


After everyone left the graduation party Saturday night, you'd think I would be way too tired to do anything but sleep but alas, no, grandma's insomnia kicked in good and hard and I spent the night anticipating the day to come. I finally gave up trying to sleep around 5am and got up to make sure the house was ready for us to cook breakfast.


Don and Max brought lots of good stuff, free range eggs, sausage, bacon, cinnamon rolls and bagels and Don and I got to work making breakfast for the crew... The day started with wonderful news, Brandy had gone to the hospital to have her baby and I got to spend the day with Max and Don as they anxiously awaited news of the new arrival. Max was occupied with phone calls and updates and it was so incredible to get to share her excitement and anticipation. I have never met Brandy but being able to watch Max wait for her daughters first baby was an amazing insight into a part of the family that I was trying to get to know.


I was so excited about this day, Don and Max's visit had been the highlight of the occasion for me and I was anxious to get to spend some time with them, catching up and learning about each other. We passed the day with lots of different activities, from napping on the couch to driving around Springdale to see the limited sights. At one point Don and I took the dogs for a walk in the rain, well, I walked Buellar while Tiny walked Don.....Don did a very good job of pretending that he was in charge of my 170 lb English Mastiff but having walked Tiny myself, I knew the truth. At any second, Tiny could have made up his mind to go a different way and Don would have been helpless to stop him. It was fun and the dogs loved the exercise but the best part was getting to spend a little bit of time with my new favorite uncle and adopted father....a guy who has all the wonderful qualities of my own father paired with a realistic perspective, and honest affection for family and the most important quality of all, he loves me and my sisters and he shows it. Seems we have needed that in our lives and all three of us are thankful for our relationship with our uncle.


Later in the day things started to speed up with Brandy and the baby and I worked on dinner while Don and Max and I really started to get into the conversations that I had been waiting for... in depth, person by person detailing of each of their seven kids, themselves, me and my family for the last 20 years. I got to ask all the questions I wanted and they filled in the details, never backing down, even when I asked about their relationship, the end of Don's marriage, Max's marriage how they got together etc... It was a wonderful evening for me and the highlight, of course, was the birth of Brandy's daughter, Mickala Wren, not their first grandchild by far but the first born of Brandy and Will and a special moment for everyone.


Looking back at that day now, five weeks later, I am so very glad that Don and Max came all that way to celebrate Kyles graduation with me and most of all, to give us all a chance to catch up with each other and realize how very important family is. Especially those family members that you might end up letting go of if you're not careful.

The Graduate, Episode 2, The Dinner Party

After the graduation was over we all ran through pounding rain for the cars and back to my house. It rained off and on but my porch is covered and we were able to sit outside comfortably and have a cocktail and some cheese and crackers before dinner

What a cheesy couple...

I made Grandma's beef Stroganoff for dinner, a specialty of mine. I make it for Momo on her Birthday and usually a couple of other times during the year. It's easy and everyone likes it, at least they tell me they do and that's just as good. We had salad and bread and everyone seemed to enjoy dinner.

I was so thrilled just to have family around my table, in my house that I didn't even sit down, I took pics and made sure everyone was taken care of, just a throw back to my waitress days I guess. I was blissfully happy to have them all there with me and it couldn't have gone better. The conversation was easy and fun, the kids that were there didn't display any of that nasty teenage attitude that they seem to carry around with them in bags...

Not all the kids were there though, Kyle, Becca, Christy and Bobby (the "locals") were with their father who had flown in for just one day for the graduation. Bobby managed to put in a couple of short appearances and say Hi to everyone and Kyle stopped by between his dinner with Dad and his graduation shin dig that happened at a friends house. The Alaska people and their friends were with us however and as tired as they were from their overnight flight they managed to stay fairly sociable through the evening.



Around the table

So dinner was a success and folks started to leave around 9pm or so. It was a wonderful evening but the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for Episode #3, "The Next Day"

The Graduation Party, Part One

The Thoughtful Graduate...

Kyle in his cap and gown

The pics will be muddled because I'm a blog-website moron, the story starts below...

Grabbing a moment to have a little "livation" before going to the graduation

Momo

Dad

Slick and Denise from England

UD and Max from Ohio

I'm going to have to do this blog in pieces because there is no way I can get all of this out at once. So stick with me, it might take a while to get all the little stories told. First of all, about six weeks ago I started planning Kyles Graduation party. I had invited Don and Max to attend and they agreed to come! Really, they were going to drive all the way from Ohio to Arkansas just to see us and I was thrilled.

As you all know, I have been in my own house since last September, and my divorce was final a couple of weeks ago. During my marriage, I had little contact with my extended family and parties and reunions were NOT encouraged so this was a very big first for me. Even though I used Kyles graduation as an excuse to have this party, it was, in so many ways MY celebration of getting my life back. Don't tell Kyle, but it really was all about me....

The guest list for the graduation was this: Don and Max from Ohio, Dad from Tulsa, Mom from Bartlesville, Slick and Denise Durham from England and Jessie, Katie and Cameron (Jessie's boyfriend) from Alaska. The arrival of my daughters from Alaska was a huge highlight, I hadn't seen them in more than a month and they get to stay for five weeks with me. After they go back I won't get to see them again until Christmas so I have to make sure I get good and sick of them before they leave.

My preparations had been going on for quite some time. Several weeks ago I bought a patio table and chairs, I have a nice little covered patio and I thought it would be a nice place to sit plus we would need the extra spots for people to eat. My front flower garden was nothing but 4 ft tall weeds so for Mothers day I asked for a wheel barrow which I got from Becca and got to work. It took me four days to dig up the flower bed, pull the weeds, shop for and buy flowers and soil to mix in with the dirt and mulch. I was quite proud of it when I was done but my hands were so sore from the hoe that it hurt to clap at the ceremony.

I took Friday off to clean the house. Momo agreed to come in on Friday and spend the night so that she could pick the girls up at the airport on Saturday. I was up at six am on Saturday trying to shop for groceries and get all the details taken care in an attempt to minimize the panic that I knew would soon set in. People began to arrive at about 11:30 am. Everyone came in and got organized and went to lunch at AQ chicken leaving me and the girls, who had been on a plane for 15 hours, to clean up and get dressed for the graduation.

The Graduation itself was at the University of Arkansas, Bud Walton Arena (It is Arkansas...Walmart MUST be involved..) I took a few photos but left most of the pics to the others so I could actually see my son graduate. Of course, I got choked up at first. When they were little, I would cry at every school play, music program, whatever, even if they weren't in it. It's pathetic, I know, Lucas family easy tears....

Mom is a crybaby

Kyle getting his diploma

My with my girls and Momo, ready to go

It's fuzzy, I know, but it's him

The ceremony was a typical graduation, about an hour of pure boredom with 30 seconds of wild excitement and cheering. We were all a little confused by the speech, given by a car salesman who never went to college. I kept wondering where Obama was, surely MY baby was important enough to warrant his presence and words! But I guess not. We walked through the pouring down rain to get back to our cars.

I am so happy and grateful for everyone who came to the graduation. I hate to go to them and for others to suffer through one for my child is just amazing to me. Just getting Kyle there was a challenge. He didn't want to walk at all but I made him. If you could have only been there when I first found out that he turned down his invitation into the National Honor Society and then refused his honors collar and the cord he should have worn for his AP classes. He actually graduated with a 3.8 and college credit for four classes. He didn't think it was "fair" for some to look smarter than others when they were all graduating. I guess I didn't hit him hard enough with the "LIFE isn't fair" hammer when he was growing up.....

Anyway, this is only a small part of the weekend, stay tuned for episode two, "The Dinner Party"

"D" Day

I really don't want to do this blog but I think I have to. My divorce became final today. I can put off blogging about just about anything but the title for my blog, "Tracy Takes Over" is all about taking my life back and starting over again so I guess this is about the most important day for me to write.

I had to take a friend with me to the court house, someone to verify that I have lived here for more than 90 days so I had my friend Denise there to support me. I don't know why my electric bill wouldn't work as verification but they wanted a body so they got one. If I were Amy I would have captured everything from the closed courthouse parking lot to the judge with my camera but I'm not, so I didn't.... You will have to settle for words.

We went before the judge at 8:30 am, the whole thing was pretty quick. My lawyer asked me a bunch of questions, the answer to most of which was "yes". Stupid shit, like "Is your name..." and "Are you married to..." I was really scared that I would cry. Not from being emotional about the whole thing really but just because it was an ending and endings are usually sad.... I was afraid that my emotional side would break through and betray me but it didn't. I made it through the actual process just fine and the moment that Denise and Tina (my bloodsucking lawyer) and I walked out of the room I started waiting to feel excited. I'm still waiting.

I thought that I would be excited, or really happy or really sad or SOMETHING....I was just sort of numb but wanting to share the news with others, perhaps to speed the onset of the emotions that I knew were coming. I posted the divorce on facebook from my Blackberry and texted some people to let them know it was over. I got some really encouraging comments and great responses but I remained unmoved, maybe even "plastic" would be a good word, that feels about right. Plastic, may be even wax, cold and solid but able to melt if the conditions are right.

It reminds me of another time in my life when I had a very detached view of my own feelings, back in about 1999 I had a young guy who worked for me, he was 19. He had worked for me at Stage (Ron's company) since he was 16 years old and we were pretty close. I knew his Mom, his family, his hopes and aspirations, almost everything about him. His name was Doug and I really loved him, like he was my own son. He died from an accidental gunshot wound to the neck at a party right before New Years Eve. My grief was almost interesting to me, I watched my way through it as if I were an outsider doing a case study. I could feel, but the observer in me would take over and I would encounter the feelings with thoughts like "well now, that's interesting, feeling that way...." Little things, like having to term him out of the system, making him ineligible for rehire seemed wrong but clearly he would never be rehired....

By the way, I have still not seen my way clear to erase Grandma's phone number from my cell... Seems that I have a little problem letting go.

Anyway, the feelings are similar, loss and sadness that I can't seem to feel, or face. I came home from work just as soon as I could get away, about 1:30pm, put on my PJ's and haven't left the couch since. I am waiting, just waiting. I know that I am waiting for something, but I don't know what it is. I put on my old ring and took a picture of it. It didn't come out very well or I would share it for you, I also took a pic of my new ring, a black metal band with the peace symbol on it, much more my speed than what I had before... and symbolic of the new peace I've found in my life.

It's very hard to feel happy about the dismantling of 18 years of your life, almost 19. If I'm happy, that means that I wasted 19 years of my life on something that was futile and a bad decision. That is almost unbearable, that I threw away my youth, my life on something that was wrong. If I'm sad, then maybe I did something wrong and the divorce was a bad decision and maybe I should have tried harder... Get it? I'm so screwed up that I can't let myself face the reality and see what I really feel..

The moral of the story is this: I know that the storm is coming, it always does. I gave it an opportunity but my timing was wrong. I should stop trying to control my feelings and just let them come and they will, probably in the middle of my next yoga class. For now, I'm here, I'm plastic and I'm waiting.....

Just some more pics

Katie at Momo's house

If you look closely, you can see all the way to Jessie's brain!

Katie was the "Dog Mom" When we got these two, the other three were in summer school and Katie spent her summer house training and cleaning up after the dogs. They remembered her right away and were soooo happy to see her.

Katie spent some much needed time with her nephews, Hayden and Hunter. She taught them to color AND text!!

Another moment with Jessie and Momo.....

Jessie spent a lot of time in my bed being sick. I slept with her but didn't catch what she had!

What a pair....